A Mate for Christmas Read online

  Noel blinked, beyond surprised. “I had no idea.”

  She shrugged. “It’s not a secret exactly. I just haven’t talked about it much, I guess. But I’m not ashamed of needing to speak to a professional.”

  “Can I ask how Liam felt about it?” Noel thought it might be weird for a mated male to have his mate talk to someone else.

  “He was on board with the idea—only after he met the doctor.”

  Noel bit her bottom lip, contemplating the idea of talking to a shrink. The concept was foreign to her nature, foreign to the way she’d been raised. Before he’d died, her father had been Alpha and insistent that the pack never went to outsiders for help, for anything. Shifters didn’t need humans or anyone other than their pack, he’d said. They didn’t need anyone for anything. Clearly that attitude wasn’t helping her. “Maybe you could give me his information.”

  December smiled, nodding. “I’ll text you everything. And if he’s not a fit, there are other shifter doctors you can talk to. I know how hard it is to lose a sibling.”

  Oh, God. Noel had forgotten that December had lost her brother to a feral shifter. Long before she’d met Liam or moved to Fontana. Reaching out, she squeezed the female’s hand. “I forgot, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m just letting you know you’re not alone.”

  “I actually know that.” Literally all of her packmates had lost someone. “I just… Gah, I don’t know. I feel like everyone is moving on but me. Then today with Nathan… What?” she asked when December gave her a pointed look.

  “I probably shouldn’t say anything, but I see the way Nathan watches you, follows you around. He’s even asked that his patrol shifts be scheduled so that he’s off when you are. I don’t know him well though, so…” She lifted her shoulders. “I just know that he wants to be off when you are. Make of that what you will.”

  Stunned, Noel digested the words. After Nathan and she had shared a few hot kisses everything in her life had gone to shit. She’d cut him out of her life, but he’d never pursued her, never…done anything. She’d just assumed he’d been having fun with her because clearly he hadn’t wanted more. Then when things had gotten hard, she’d assumed she’d been too much of a hassle for him to deal with.

  Maybe she’d been wrong.

  Chapter 2

  Nathan stared blindly at the words in front of him, not comprehending anything. The cabin was too quiet and his mind was too mixed up to read anything. Sighing, he set the book down and rubbed a hand over his face.

  What had once been the single guys’ cabin housed pretty much just him and two others now. Liam had moved out when he mated with December. Noah had moved out soon after mating with Erin. Ryan had done the same when he and Teresa had mated, taking Lucas, his adopted cub with them. Even Rafael, who’d only been with them for a short time, had moved out after mating with Rosa.

  Nathan had thought those two were mismatched, given the disparity in their personalities, her being so beta and him being so very alpha. But Rafael was completely smitten and would do anything that female asked.

  And Nathan was jealous. All his friends were mated and he couldn’t have the one female he wanted.

  The only males left were Jacob and Lucero, who was the newest member of their pack. But they were out on patrol tonight. So he was alone, ready to crawl out of his skin after what had happened today with Noel.

  He’d been pretty much obsessed with her for the past year. But he might as well have been invisible. She hadn’t seen him. Or hadn’t wanted to. It was as if what they’d shared had meant nothing to her. They’d only kissed and spent a few days together but it had sure meant something to him. He’d tried to comfort her after Carmen had died, tried to be there for her. But she’d cut him off and after a while he’d realized that she was simply avoiding him. That had sliced deep.

  The thing was, he understood why she hadn’t wanted to see him at first. Since her sister died, she’d been like a ghost of the woman he’d first met. He’d been giving her time, letting her grieve in her own way.

  Because he understood. He’d lost his family too. And it had taken him a long damn time to come to terms with it.

  In spite of his efforts, Noel had started avoiding him after a few months. Then for her to come to him to ease her pain today, knowing how he felt about her? It was cruel. It went against everything he knew about the female.

  When he heard a tentative knock on the door he shoved up from his chair. He was barely halfway across the room when he scented her. That exotic mix of deep amber and vanilla. It made him still for a moment before gritting his teeth and bracing himself for what seeing her would do to him. Everyone had a unique scent, and shifters and other supernaturals were more attuned to it than humans.

  He opened the door to find Noel in jeans, knee-high boots, a berry-colored sweater and a fitted black leather jacket. Her long, dark hair was loose around her face and shoulders in soft waves. Just seeing her was a punch to all his senses.

  “Do you have time to talk?” Her voice was low and there were too many emotions in her bright amber eyes for him to decipher.

  Nodding, he stepped back to let her in. No matter what, he simply couldn’t seem to say no to her. Her amber and vanilla scent wrapped around him, suffocated him.

  Fuck. He didn’t want to want her. Not when it was clear she didn’t feel the same about him.

  She wrung her hands in front of her, clearly uncomfortable. He knew he should offer her a seat or a drink or something, but couldn’t make his voice work. All he could do was stare. And hate himself for wanting her so desperately.

  “I owe you an apology. I…kissed you because I wanted to, but I also kissed you because…” She swallowed hard, clearing her throat. “I thought it would help me forget for a little bit. I wasn’t trying to use you though. Not really. I mean, well, I guess technically I was. But I thought…since we had fun before, you’d be into it. I wasn’t trying to hurt you or be malicious.”

  “Fun?” he rasped out. Is that what she thought?

  Her eyes held a hint of panic. “I assumed it was just fun for you. After Carmen died and I pretty much lost it, you never came after me. Never came to see me.” Her voice cracked with clear hurt. “Until today I didn’t think what we’d shared even mattered to you.”

  Her words were like a blade going through his chest. “You don’t get to rewrite history,” he rasped out, anger and pain battling inside him.

  She blinked, her confusion so crystal clear that the blade drove deeper. “What?”

  “I did try to comfort you. I was at the main house every day for a month. You didn’t want to see me, didn’t want to see anyone except your family.”

  She dropped her hands. “You were?”

  Surprise ricocheted through him. He’d assumed she’d known. “Yes.” He’d waited like a puppy for her. “You didn’t know?”

  “No.”

  The truth rolled off her in a subtle wave. She couldn’t have lied to him even if she’d wanted to, not with his scent abilities.

  He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. Clearly they needed to hash some stuff out, and standing here in the middle of the foyer wasn’t the place. He locked the front door so if anyone decided to stop by they’d know to leave. He didn’t want any interruptions, no matter how small. “You want to sit?”

  Letting out a sigh of relief, she nodded. “Yes.”

  In the living room she sat on one of the smaller stuffed chairs so he sat on the loveseat closest to her. Some primal part of him still needed to be as close to her as possible, no matter how much she’d hurt him. A fire crackled behind her, giving her coffee-colored hair a soft glow.

  “When you said it was screwed up, what I did… Kissing you, when I knew how you felt about me… What exactly did you mean?” Her voice was soft, her words tentative.

  Yeah, he wasn’t going to answer that. He’d assumed she’d known, assumed that was why she’d avoided him. That she didn’t reciprocate his feelings s
o she’d decided to just ignore him. “You really didn’t know I’d come to see you all those times?” He needed to hear her say the actual words.

  She shook her head, her expression filled with pain. “No, I swear it. With everything going on with the APL back then and losing Carmen, I just… Everything is sort of a haze. I was just going through the motions of existing.” Her voice cracked again.

  Ah, hell, it went against all his survival instincts where she was concerned but he moved lightning fast and knelt in front of her. He gently took her hands in his. His wolf instantly calmed when she didn’t pull away. “I didn’t think you wanted me around. I thought you were avoiding me. Or I would have been there for you.” Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough. He thought he’d been giving her the space she needed to mourn.

  “I…did avoid you, later.” She whispered the words, anguish etched in every line of her face. “I thought you’d brushed me off when you never came to see me—when I thought you didn’t—and I knew I’d be weak where you were concerned. I didn’t want to use you as a crutch and get even more hurt when things ended between us.”

  “When?” he growled. What the hell did that mean?

  She didn’t respond one way or another.

  What the hell. There would be no when where she was concerned. Never. Everything she was saying screwed up his whole world right now. She hadn’t known about his feelings for her and hadn’t intentionally been cruel earlier today. This put everything into a whole new perspective.

  It was clear she was still mourning though. Didn’t matter. Starting now, he wasn’t going to lose her a second time. He simply couldn’t.

  There was a lot he still wanted to say to her, but if he told her how he truly felt, he’d probably scare her off. Especially since she wasn’t giving him anything to indicate she wanted a relationship from him right now. He had to take things slow, do things right this time. But no more blending into the background, no more letting her mourn alone. “Do you have plans tonight?”

  She blinked, clearly surprised by the abrupt change in topic. “Ah, no.”

  “I was going to head into town, look at the lights. Want to come with me?” What he wouldn’t give to lean in closer to her, to nibble along her jaw, devour her mouth—pin her underneath him in front of the fire and make her moan his name.

  “Ah…” She squeezed his hands briefly before pulling her hands away. “I’m a mess right now, Nathan. I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.”

  “We can be friends, right? I’m just a packmate asking another packmate out for a walk and maybe drinks.” He almost choked on the words. The truth was, he wanted her friendship as much as he wanted her for his mate. He wanted everything from her. Even if she wasn’t ready for more than friendship right now, he knew she was physically attracted to him. She couldn’t hide that, and the kiss from her this afternoon had been real.

  It was a start.

  She half-smiled, the tension in her shoulders easing. “Of course. I really am sorry about earlier. I wasn’t—”

  “I know. We probably should have talked a long time ago.” He should have just gone to her even though he’d known she was avoiding him. Maybe it would have made a difference.

  “Yeah. So…we can be friends?” There was a hopeful spark in her eyes.

  He nodded and even though he did want her friendship, he planned to claim a lot more.

  * * *

  As Nathan parked his truck along the curb on Main Street, Noel wasn’t so sure she should have agreed to go out with him—but saying no had been impossible. Even if she wanted to keep her distance, that kiss they’d shared had reawakened something inside her.

  Made her feel alive, as if the veil over her eyes had been lifted after so long.

  She’d had no idea he’d come to see her all those times after Carmen died. Neither Ana nor Connor had said anything, and the truth was, things had been insane back then. The pack had been dealing with the Antiparanormal League—a bunch of crazy racists who hated anyone paranormal or different than them—as well as integrating Connor’s band of males into their female pack. And a whole bunch of other stuff she could barely remember. Their lives had been in a constant state of upheaval then. To know Nathan had wanted to be there for her had pretty much screwed up everything she thought she knew about him, about what they’d shared.

  Now she felt all awkward and unsure of herself. She desperately wanted him, had been more hurt than she wanted to admit when she thought he hadn’t been there for her. But she was still a mess inside. Starting something with Nathan would be stupid. He didn’t deserve a broken female. He was right though; they could be friends.

  Unfortunately, when she looked at him she didn’t see someone she wanted to be friends with. She saw a sexy, broad-shouldered male she wanted to strip naked with and go skin to skin.

  Yeah, being friends should be no problem.

  “You want to stop by Growling Bear?” Noel asked as they stepped onto the sidewalk together. It was a little shop owned by humans, Kaya and her son, Matt. The Native American family had been the first to accept the Cordona pack when shifters and vampires had revealed their existence to the world over twenty years ago. The Cordonas had already been living in Fontana, had carved out a home for themselves. Not everyone had been accepting, but they had.

  “They closed up early tonight.” He fell in step with her. Everything about him screamed sex appeal. As if he should be carrying around an axe and chopping down trees. Or running into a burning building to save people. She wasn’t the only one who noticed, she realized, as they started down the brightly lit sidewalk. Women’s gazes gravitated to him, lingered for a second or two longer than was necessary.

  She frowned, not liking how many women seemed to notice him. “How do you know that?”

  He lifted a shoulder. “I overheard Eva telling one of her sisters that she was meeting with Matt. That was over an hour ago.”

  “Ah, of course.” Noel had heard through the grapevine that her cousin Eva and Matoskah Dunlauxe—Matt—had started seeing each other in the last month. His mother Kaya would be so thrilled he’d found happiness with someone. “I think we’ll have a new mating soon enough.” She remembered how Carmen had used to flirt with Matt, and that vise tightened around her chest.

  “What is it?” Nathan murmured, sliding his arm around her shoulders.

  The action should surprise her, but shifters needed touch by nature. He was just being friendly. She wouldn’t read anything into it. Even if his simple hold soothed her, made her want to bury her face against his neck and inhale his masculine, earthy scent. “It’s nothing.”

  He squeezed her shoulders once. His natural scent made her lightheaded, hungry for him.

  God, she really needed to keep her head on straight. “I just remembered how Carmen used to flirt with Matt. She’d been so smitten by him. I think of her at the most random times.”

  He squeezed again. “It’s okay to talk about her—you should talk about her.”

  The light poles lining the street were lit up with white and red Christmas lights. Big sparkly candy cane lights topped each pole. Though it was close to seven, most shops were still open. The scents and pretty, glittery things in the windows were a siren’s call to anyone passing by. Well, anyone but her. She was over all the Christmas crap everywhere.

  “December mentioned that I could maybe talk to a…therapist or something.” She felt stupid even saying the words, was already cringing while she awaited his reaction.

  “That’s not a bad idea.” He looked down at her as they came to the end of the sidewalk, waiting for the crosswalk light to turn.

  “Really?”

  “Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger. But I’m here if you need me. Always.”

  “Thank you.” He was telling the truth. A male like Nathan wouldn’t offer anything without meaning it. That knowledge stirred something else inside her. Something she didn’t want to evaluate too deeply.

  They walked down the m
ain strip in silence, taking in the lights and people. Before losing Carmen, Christmas had been Noel’s favorite time of year.

  “Where are we going, anyway?” she asked after five minutes of walking. On the drive downtown he’d said their final destination was a surprise, but she was not a patient she-wolf.

  His lips quirked up. “You’ll see.”

  “I hate surprises.”

  He just gave her a smile that made her think of all sorts of wicked things they could be doing right now. For the first time in a year she felt almost alive again. As if the cloud that she’d been living in had finally lifted a bit.

  They turned a corner at the end of the strip and she instantly realized where they were going. Behind the main strip of stores and before the local high school there was a huge skating rink. “For some reason I can’t see you ice skating.”

  “Ah, yeah, I’m not going to.” His boots thudded softly against the sidewalk as they crossed the street.

  Laughter and Christmas music filled the air as they reached the other side. The outside rink had a thick glass enclosure surrounding it and a pretty white picket fence framed the rest of the huge area. “You’re going to make me skate by myself?” She bumped him with her hip as they headed down one of the sidewalks that led to the rental booth and vendor cart.

  He stopped when they reached the line for hot cocoa. “I’ll give support from the sidelines.”

  “No way. You’re doing it with me. With your genes, I know you’ll be fine.” She didn’t want to come out and say ‘shifter genes.’ While most humans in town seemed to accept them, she knew that not everyone loved shifters. She didn’t want to announce who they were.

  He gave her a dubious look that made her laugh.

  “You can hold my hand for balance.”